Trying to Find What Was Missing in My Life

This rock bottom feeling was two decades in the making. I stepped away from my high-paying corporate career after September 11, 2001 when that horrific, life-changing event stirred me to refocus my time and energy. It was a big transition; however, I became filled with the purpose and energy that comes from being a stay-at-home mom. My two sweet kids were my full-time mission and wine became the way to relax and unwind from the chaos of the day. I just needed that little bit to take the edge off.

Two more kids and several years later, my husband and I split up. I drank to numb the sadness and anger of my marriage dissolving, fear of my future as a single mom with four kids, and the loss of the social life I had once enjoyed as a couple. And sometimes I drank simply because I could. There was always a bottle of LaCreme chardonnay in the fridge.

Mommy wine culture? Yep! It got me too. I bought into it hook, line and sinker using my beloved chardonnay to relax, celebrate and connect.

Let’s not forget that our culture says alcohol is fun! It’s at the core of all social events. The boozy singles’ dating scene is attractive and cool. Wine was the key, or so I thought.

As the social gap between my daughter with Down Syndrome and her peers became wider, and as she aged-out of summer camps and after-school activities, her exclusion and isolation led to mine. I recall exactly when I began indulging in that extra glass. Didn’t matter how I felt the next day – we had little going on anyway.

As my nest started to empty, my life did as well. I placed others first for so long, I lost sight of who I was and what I wanted. I saw the world moving forward, but my self-worth suffered and the choices I made kept me stuck. I remember sitting on my couch drinking wine, wondering if this was how it was always going to be.

I needed to slow that train down.